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Are you an asshole?
Having problems with people at work or school? Do you chuckle to yourself when you see someone fall over, or do you laugh out loud? Are you just not a "people's-person"? If so, you stand a good chance of being an asshole. Take the following test and add up your points to see if you too are an asshole. Give yourself...
5 points each time you laughed during the movie "Saving Private Ryan."
10 points if you've ever called someone with anorexia "fat." (Bonus 10 points if someone you called "fat" became anorexic).
5 points if you've ever tricked a little kid into giving you money.
10 points if you've ever considered running over a group of people (Bonus 10 points if there were old people in the crowd).
20 points if someone suicidal came to you for help.. and you encouraged them (Bonus 10 points if they mentioned you in their suicide note).
50 points if you are this guy:
Donny Osmond. What an asshole.
10 points if you've ever lied about a death in the family to get out of helping someone move.
10 points if you've ever teased someone enough so that they developed a complex.
25 points if you're affiliated in any way with Green Peace, The Arbor Day Foundation, United Way, or Amnesty International.
5 points for every time you've cut in line in front of an old lady (Bonus five points if you laughed or made threats).
10 points if you've ever keyed someone's car for having a better parking spot than you (Bonus 20 points if they were still in the car).
5 points if you've ever parked in a handicapped parking spot (Bonus 5 points if you weren't handicapped).
(This next two are for parents only):
20 points if you ever told your kid that you wish they were aborted.
10 points if you told your kid that they were a mistake (Bonus 5 points if they really were).
5 points if you have an "I hate whales" bumper sticker.. just out of spite.
10 points for every time you "flipped off" an animal rights activist.
10 points if you've seen the movie "Titanic."
30 points if you can give your friends "the look," and they know better than to keep talking.
10 points if you've gone to work or school with a contagious disease (Bonus 5 points if you knew it was contagious).
15 points if your a member of the KKK
15 points if your a member of the BNP
(Bonus 5 points if you actually hate those immigrant bastards)
20 points if you've ever made a mean looking face to a baby (Bonus 10 points if you made it cry).
10 points if you've ever sped up while someone was crossing the road. (Bonus 5 points if you hit them)
20 points if you went fishing, didn't catch any fish, and threw all your bait into the water so nobody else could catch any fish (Bonus 10 points if you got banned).
10 points if you're a cop.
10 points if you've ever faked an injury so someone would open a door for you.
5 points if you've ever considered making a bomb threat to get out of work (Bonus 20 points if you actually made the bomb threat. Give yourself an extra bonus of 10 points if you used a telephone from your work to make the bomb threat).
20 points if you've ever tried selling your brother.
Once you add up your points, use the following chart to find out how much of an asshole you are:
0-50: You make me SICK. You probably love singing, dancing and children. You're a parasite to society, and I hope you die.
55-100: You're a novice asshole. Practice hating people more. No wait, just forget it. You'll probably fail again. I hate you.
105-200: You have potential for being a great asshole, but you're probably too socially active. Ditch your friends and spend all your spare time hating Tony Danza.
205-350: You're an asshole, no other way around it. You think making fun of old people and children is fun, and you wear fur just to piss off animal rights activists. You make me proud.
355-450: Donny Osmond, this one's for you. In case you ever came to my site, I just wanted to let you know that I hate your show, it's stupid and all your fans are dipshits.
455-500+: You're not just an asshole, but you're full of shit too. There's no way to get every possible point. Way to cheat, dumbass.
10 Reasons for crying when watching the titanic
1. You just realized that you wasted £6 to piss away three hours of your life to watch a movie that you knew the outcome of. "Hmm.. a movie about the Titanic. I wonder how it's going to end."
2. You realize five minutes into the movie that James Cameron raped you and all the other suckers in the theater out of £6, and that he's laughing his ass off at you for being such a susceptable dumbass.
3. After the movie is over, you notice all the other wimps in the theater that cried during the movie, and you realize that we have a long way to go as a society.
4. You used too much paint thinner on your eyes when you were trying to cleanse them of the bullshit they just saw.
5. You remember that you pissed away three hours of your life.
6. You realize that if 10 million people saw the movie once, each wasting 3 hours of their lives, that 30 million hours have been wasted, and that if each person lived an average of 70 years, 3,424 years, or 49 lives will have been wasted watching the Titanic. James Cameron has effectively murdered 49 people. (Not necessarily a reason to cry, but it is to a sap that saw Titanic in the first place).
7. You realize that you don't give a rat's ass about the Titanic and all the people who died on it, and that you can't get a refund for your ticket.
8. You realize that the movie made enough money to actually raise the Titanic, and that you would have rather spent your money to see the real thing.
9. You know that everyone in the theater will die someday, and seeing a bunch of losers get sunk on a ship puts your own impending doom into perspective.
10. You're a dumbass for seeing Titanic, and you know it.
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