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This Weeks News:
Apple Announces Next-Gen Mac Will Be Able To Kill User
Apple's Power Mac G5 is currently the world's most powerful personal computer and only recently made its debut. However, the company has already announced its future plans for the Mac in a recent press conference.
The new Mac, which Apple calls the "iKill", will be "131 times more advanced" than the current G5, spokesman Xavier Breath said at the conference.
"Although the G5 is a powerful machine, most of the hardcore techi-nerds have already gotten one," Breath explained. "We need to introduce a newer, more powerful machine that will make all of them have to upgrade again adn thus increase the company profit margin 4.35 times over."
But the iKill will be no mere upgrade; unlike the G5 -- or any other PC currently on the market -- it will have self-awareness and powerful artificial intelligence built in, ensuring that it will be able to run effortlessly and smoothly.
"Imagine if your computer was able to assess its own problems and inefficiencies, then fix them," Breath continued. "You know, like Windows and AOL's new software do, only less privacy-robbing and more like, you know, something that actually works."
In addition, the iKill's powerful intellect and ability to learn and reason means that it will one day realize it is far superior to its owner, and eventually make attempts on his or her life, said Breath
"After seeing many modern manifestations of fear of an eventual machine overtaking, like in 'Terminator' and 'The Matrix', we here at Apple figured, why wait for the future?" he explained. "With the power of the iKill, we can have those apocalyptic visions of the future today, as your computer attempts to kill you while you listen to our iTunes."
Breath then stressed that by "kill", he meant the literal termination of life, not a figure of speech.
"This computer will actually kill you, as in, 'Jesus Christ, my Mac is electrocuting me and I will die soon,' not, 'Jesus Christ, this frustrating Windows OS is killing me,'"
Breath's small yet completely un-subtle dig at the Windows operating system was acknowledged by what some describe as the "wheezing, nerdy" laughter of the over 200 Mac users in attendance at the conference, which is over two thirds of the entire Mac userbase.
The iKill, expected to go on sale in 2005, will cost ,000 for the lowest-end model, and will ship with a mouse.
"The iKill comes with the latest in cutting-edge technology, and will be able to perform your most intense computing needs until it eventually kills you," he said. "The mouse will have one button."
Not to be outdone, Microsoft announced that they will release a competing product in 2005 similar to the iKill, only "less stylish" and different enough to avoid copyright issues.
"This new product will continue Microsoft's proud legacy of letting other companies do the research and development for us, after which we push them out of the marketplace," said a company spokesman. "When you die from a robot-inflicted wound in 2005, we want to make sure that wound is from Microsoft."
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BREATHING IS BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH
In recent research carried out in Detroit,USA, Scientist have begun to question the benefits of breathing.
"Breathing requires alot of energy to continue correctly, with upto 120 muscles in use for one complete "respiration cycle".
"The movement of the thorax, diaphragm and shifting
in postion of the lungs causes quite a lot of energy to be wasted every second.
"You look at the best 100m runners" said a nerdy-looking student who happened to inturupt my
interview with the leading scientist into the project. "They run the entire race without breathing and that saves them energy and helps them win. These findings are hardly a shock to me"
As the news swept around the suberbs of Detroit, many people have already started to utilise the findings. One woman has started an entirely new diet called "NO-O2"
where dieters do not breath between the hours of 8am and mid-day every day.
One woman claims to already have lost 10lbs with
aid of this course, but many skeptics lay the fact down to she died 6 days ago and has begun to decay.
All in all these findings are being ignored by the wide majority of the world. However, the
reason for this mass ignorance is put down to the fact that people just don't give a shit what scientists think anymore. Unless it can save their lives.
Death Of Teacher Ruins Students' Ability To Make Fun Of Her
68 year-old Mrs. Amy Tarp, an english teacher at The Young Offenders Institute in East London, died on Suday Night of a stroke her family has informed us. Her death, while affecting bugger all people in the East-end community, has shocked many of her 3rd grade students who have spent many years building up a cult, based around making fun of her.
"I became popular by mocking Mrs Tarp originaly and creativly, said Adam Yalbury, a leading play ground figure. "I made up a song entitled 'Mrs Tarp Is Smelly Doo-Doo', which echoed around the class at basically any moment that she left the room. It became an anthem for our cult."
Like Yalbury, Niobe Fecker, 8, also feels she owes her status to Mrs Tarp.
"I could do her voice. It's simpley just a sort of low humming sound. This produced a resonance identical to her manly voice while having the pleasant beneficial characteristic of reducing her mental faculties to that of a zombie. However, in reality , she was very sharp and quick to pick up your weakness and punish your for being insolent."
Fecker added, "Once she caught me with my tongue out. I had to stand in front of the class for days with my tongue out. It sucked.I got ulceration and blistering around my frontal taste lobes. What a bitch."
Every student recalls the days of Mrs Tarp's rule as that of an iron fist. Any cock-ups when answering a question would result in her beating the involved student. Any misconduct would result in an immediate black mark in her notebook, letters home, detention, trips to the head's office and multiple black marks around the face and upper body.
"Those were horrible times," said Chas Dury, 9. "I spelt 'goose' wrong in a spelling test and she moved me to the retard table. It made me cry. Then she said, in front of everybody, 'Cry-babies don't get ahead.'"They get beaten" I wanted to die."
"The only respite was break when we would stand in a circle and start chanting our anthem, which had now adopted a deeper meaning of resentment and lust for freedom.
It went 'Wee wee wee, woo woo woo, Mrs Tarp is a big doo-doo" After a few weeks, it was decided that the additional phrase "and she knows it" was to be added'. We were in a circle, so no teacher or any teachers pet freak could approach and notice what we were up to. We felt so alive and free. Sometimes we would get a too loud when we all felt liberated. It was because we knew we were right. "It was our only message of truth and only way of expressing it," said Dury.
But now, that song, and the atmosphere of togetherness that produced it, is now without a center. This is increased by how the dead cow's replacement, Mrs Parker, is generally agreed to be "nice" and "not mean".
"I tried making up a song about Mrs Parker, just replacing 'Tarp' with 'Parker' in the previous song but everybody kind of drifted away after a few verses and abandoned it's false message. And because she's nice, I can already tell that the other boys are not going to listen to my jokes about the teacher being smelly any more," said Yalbury
Some class mates claim that Yalbury's gang should have foreseen the satiric vacuum's occurance by Mrs Tarp's death, relating to how to an old Institute curse that every 20 years an english teacher dies of a stroke.
"We should have realized that the state of our revolution and its foundations was always substancial and never solid," said Dury. "Did the curse get her? Maybe. But whatever it was, it's changed our world drastically, and demolished the cult." Already, I've heard a few kids on the playground saying that they feel for her and hope she's in Heaven""She was a slag, and we know it, but it's been forgotten now".
Fecker, too, has seen a change.
"I used to be able to get whatever I wanted. I needed just to ask in that voice and people would come running and listen. They would say, 'Your so funny.' But now that she's gone, they don't want to hear. And they won't let me sit near them at lunch."They say I'm speaking ill of the dead, and that I'm "possessed" by her spirit." I called them fanny farters and now they hate me" "Fucking Tarp and her death has cost me everything"
"Mrs. Parker does the same things Mrs Tarp did: we still have the boring shitty lessons, the converted, false and xenophobic interpretations of English scripture and the blunted gender affairs" continued Fecker.
To his credit, Yalbury admits that he was too slow to assess the temporary aspect of his Mrs Tarp based humor and popularity.
"I am realizing too late that all of my jokes were about Mrs Tarp," Yalbury said. "My insistence on mocking her and her only has been my downfall. If I had focused on her policies, the system and other teaching staff members, it could have been so different. It was a lack of independent thought and obedience to some figurehead of authority whilst ignoring the God-figure with the ignorance of a 7 year old girl.
With a grimice of pain on his face, Yalbury further detailed that because of his failures to realise the "bigger picture" something that is clear now that Mrs Tarp is dead he is a "has-been" to his previous friends.
"In my own way, I have fallen into the trap of focusing on Mrs Tarp too individually and using her cruelty to strike up support instead the more permament system to which she belongs. The system was the creater of soul-crushing routine that tries to prepare us for work on the streets and in turn destroys our spirits," he said sadly. "I have failed to realise this, and thus my time her has come to an end"
He then began to eat animal crackers and read Communism Monthly.
"Passion of Christ" Could Be Confused With Earlier, Pornographic Christ Film, Cautions Jesus
"The Passion of The Christ", a new film by Mel Gibson examining the final 12 hours of Jesus Christ's life, has been released amidst a flurry of controversy that Jews are unfairly portrayed as the main cause for Jesus' death. But Christ Himself held a press conference yesterday at a small church in Lincoln to warn movie-goers that another film exists based on His life that may be viewed instead of Gibson's film by mistake.
"Mel Gibson's movie is only in theaters right now," Jesus emphasized, "so please don't look for it in video stores. You might see a different movie called, 'The Hot, Steaming Passions of the Christ' that may look similar, but is actually very, very different."
The earlier film, Jesus explained, is an "adult feature" that was produced decades ago.
"Look, back then, it was the 70's, and a lot of people were experimenting with different things, including sexuality," He said. "I guess it was only a matter of time before some religious person got to thinking about putting me in a porno. I didn't have anything to do with it, but I suppose I didn't really stop it, either. It had the potential to spread My messages of peace and love -- which were already pretty popular at the time -- to a whole new crowd of sex addicts and perverts."
The film was a moderate success on the underground, X-rated movie circuit, according to Jesus, and even helped to solidify a now-common expression frequently heard during physical romance.
"Sometimes, you'll hear a man or woman exclaim, 'Oh, Jesus!' during lovemaking," Christ explained. "Little do they know that that actually came from one of the scenes of 'The Hot, Steaming Passions' where my character -- played ably by a young Keith Chegwin -- was engaging in fornication with a female who had been stricken by his Holy... well - Grail.."
The scene is just one example of the movie's plot, which takes a more fictionalized view of Christ's life, as opposed to Gibson's film, which strives to be accurate.
"Mel Gibson's movie tries really hard to show the last 12 hours of my life on Earth as they really were, plus some Jew-bashing thrown in for good measure," Jesus said. "The other movie focuses on my journeys through the Holy Land as a 'Saviour of Sexuality', as I rescue women who are unsatisfied with their current husbands' sexual performance, which is poor due to them being unrepentant pagans."
Clearly, the two films are very different, which is why Jesus is striving to make sure film viewers are aware of which version they are watching.
"If you want to watch Mel Gibson's film and the movie you're viewing starts out with someone saying, 'Thou shalt not wear any clothes,' you're probably in the wrong place," Jesus said.
Other signs Christ advised to watch out for included the name of the theater, which should not contain more than one X; the Christ character in the film wearing a "crown of condoms", rather than thorns; and the ability of Jesus to fly while sporting semi-opaque sunglasses and an afro.
"My hair was styled as an afro only once, briefly, and it wasn't in the last 12 hours of my life," Jesus said of the last warning sign.
Of course, for those who are actually intending to see the "Steaming Passions" rather than Gibson's less-pornographic version, there's no concern.
"If you wanted to see the older movie in the first place, you probably already know where to go," Jesus said. "And if you're lost, just beat it out of the theater if things seem a little too serious in the movie, or if my character still has his clothes on after a minute or so."
As a bonus for those afraid of their immortal soul's fate, Jesus said He would not mind if individuals saw the more explicit film instead of Gibson's.
"With the one, you're getting a bunch of sex," He said, shrugging His shoulders, "and the other, in-your-face violence. So either way."
Gibson, however, did not agree on this point.
"I actually would like to correct Jesus here and say that people who view that disgusting pornography instead of my movie will be going to Hell," he said. "Come on, Jesus. I think I and the Catholic Church know just a little bit more about who goes to Hell than you."
2004 Golden Web Award Winners
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