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"Hello I am Stephen Hawking. The genius scientist in a wheelchair who talks through a computer " *beep beep*
This is my guide to fun. Because being the cleverest man ever alive in my humble opinon does not mean I am boring... *windows error, please restart* Daaaaaamee - jojojo mooh mooooe moooh brrrr-scsch scch - ding dong...Damn computers....
Ever since I developed Motor-Neurone Disease (MND) I have tried to live my life to the full. Apart from being cleverer then the average genius I like to hold monthly seminars in church halls on how people can live life to the full. These spectacular preachings are always full and never disappoint. We even have tea and biscuits, even if I do struggle and occasionaly get mushed up digestive down my shirt.
My first lesson is not to worry and try and least smile once a day. This for me is very difficult as my face is permanently contorted in a harsh grimace of disease. Even if life seems really hard, a smile will make you feel at least 3.4 times better. I worked this out myself using quantum mechanics and the ratio of facial muscles to Prozac sales. Once you have your smile it is important to hold it as long as you can (not a problem for me) then do something creative.
I like going diving and paragliding, but of course you could do something more lower class and easy like mating or betting on horses. Urinating in street is another popular option I am told.
I often get asked what is the key to a long life. Well the answer is drinking ones own urine. When I was a little lad before I became a item of ridicule for small children with sticks I used to consume at least 13 gallons a year of my own yellowness. These days of course the kind nurse feeds it to me via a special bag and straw combination. So I hopefully will live to 200 and be KING OF THE WORLD.
A lot of people ask me how to make friends as they are sadly quite lonely in their existence. The advice I give to these people is as follows. First there is the drastic way. Become like your saviour ME. Yes surveys have shown that becoming severely crippled and or disabled (physically or mentally - whatever turns you on) brings you lots of attention. Especially from charity workers called Sue.
Of course. if this does not work try molesting a goat. That worked for Keith Chegwin. Or you could start killing old people
Step Forward Harold Shipman.
Here is a a letter I got from a concerned parent from York.
Dear Stephen. Is it wrong to smack my child. He keeps being a very naughty boy and doing bad things.
P.S. He is 52.
Signed Edna, aged 82
Well in my opinion I would beat him some more.
A) beacuse you live in York and child. - Well - Adult abuse is common there. You won't get caught
and B) because he'll probably enjoy a good spanking
You'll be doing him a favor.
Signed Stephen Hawking
DAMN COMPUTERS
After The Interview, Stephen decided to talk to himself in the mirror for 12 minutes. Some of this conversation has been recorded for your pleasure. To here new phrases, press Refresh.
Things That PISS me Off
What's worse than a cold toilet seat?
I'll tell you what -
A warm toilet seat. There's only one way short of magic or a controlled isolated fire , that it could have gotten warm. At first, you're almost thankful it's warm, then you get to thinking... this is the result of another person's ass-warmth. Its not an enjoyable experience in the end
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Hot weather. Hot Weather is something people are constantly hoping for. Christians praying for it no doubt, thinking they make a difference. Try a fucking rain god. Hey, throw in a damn rain dance, you might look like less of a prat.
However, finally, some time of the year we get a few days of annoyingly hot,humid African weather
Then we start getting " It's too fucking hot"
Make your fucking minds up you bloody cretins. Can't you just accept Britain is lucky to have a nice constant temperature of around 18 degrees celsius for most of the year - Not too hot or cold.
However, you all moan like fucking drains, pissing over everyone with your bitchy complaining
"We should be getting hot weather this week"
If you were supposed to hot weather you would be black. For Fuck's sake get a grip on reality
FACT: Heat Kills More Religious Folk than food poisioning
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Another Thing, I hate people that are always busy. It may have something to do with my parents never having time for me an leaving me outside in the rain for 3 days in November when I was 4, but that is not the point. People that are too busy and always busy are always three things:
1) Fucking Boring. Completely Fucking Boring. They like to think they no everything possible about their area of expertise, normally something completely fucking stupid and irrelevant like window frame.
"Well as you can see, this window frame is a TR.43.2, which is especially beneficial to houses with poor air conditioning as it..."
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
2) These people are constantly wearing suits. 24 hours a day. They probably have a shower in one, and no doubt they sleep in it. Get some fucking real clothes. Suits piss me off, and the fact busy shit-heads are wearing them makes me despise them even more
3) They are constantly obessesed with the fucking time. "I'm late!"
Big fucking problem, everyone is always late but you have to make a huge fucking deal because your "busy". Most of them have about 10 watches, have 4 alarm clocks and still can't take their heads out of their asses to realise no-one would give a shit if someone ripped off their legs and ate their bowels.
WHATS THE TIME? I'M LATE!
FUCK OFF YOU TWATS AND GO AND ALL SIMULTANEOUSLY COMMIT SUICIDE
I like monkeys
I LIKE MONKEYS The pet store was selling them for fifty pence a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided to take up the bargain. I bought 200. I like monkeys you see. I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing. I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour. Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys. I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys. I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed. I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad. I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire. Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving. I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.
I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.
I like monkeys
Good Humour about college
Another site about school and humour - Check It Out
Best Band Ever
A Fire Inside - Best Band Ever
Other Sites
Funny "educational" movies
Teaching you advice on how to deal with irrational situations
Games - So many Games
A school favorite for a while now
All your sporting need
Match feeds - News - Interviews - Everything you want from the world of sport
Are you gay?
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