The NEW Stuff
SCIENCE NEWS
What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth?
Scientists says:
Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad
MY MOMENT OF THE WEEK:
This week's moment occured when someone came upto me in the street, whilst I was wearing a leather jacket and said :
"You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?"
I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'"
MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEMS:
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.
If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."
FREE DAILY UPDATED CARTOON:
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In other news, The UK-Independance Party has released the following document to every home in Northen Glamorgan to persuade them to vote against joining Europe. The main focus of the document is:
1) In Europe is a country called Poland
2) Poland sucks.
Q. How do you sink a polish battleship?
A. Put it in water.
Q: Have you seen the polish mine detector.
A1: Put you fingers in your ears and start stamping the ground with your foot.
A2: Start backing up and waving the detector in front of you.
Q: How do you get a one-armed Polish child out of a tree?
A: Wave to him.
Q: How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?
A: They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.
Q: How do you stop a Polish army on horseback?
A: Turn off the carousel.
Q: How many Polaks does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: 3. One to stand on a chair and hold the bulb and the other two to spin the chair.
A2: 100001. One to hold the bulb and the other 100000 to spin the house.
Q: How did the Polish mother teach her son which way to put his underwear on?
A: Yellow in the front, Brown in the back!
Q: How do you know you're flying over Poland?
A: Toilet paper hanging on the clotheslines.
Q: Do you know why the new football stadium they built in Warsaw could not be used?
A: No matter where you sat you were behind a Pole.
Q: Did you hear about the Polish Helicopter crash?
A: The pilot got cold, so he turned off the fan.
Q: Did you know that Poland just bought 10,000 Septic Tanks?
A: As soon as they learn how to drive 'em, they are going to invade Russia.
Q: Did you hear about the Pole who thought his wife was trying to kill him?
A: On her dressing table he found a bottle of "Polish Remover".
Q: How do you get a Polish woman out of the bath tub?
A: Throw in a bar of soap.
Q: Why do Polish dogs have flat noses?
A: From chasing parked cars.
Q: How do you confuse a Polish person?
A: Put him in a round room and tell him to piss in the corner.
Q: How do you keep a Polak in suspense?
A:
Q: Why are there no ice cubes in Poland?
A: They forgot the recipe.
Q: Why did the Polish couple decide to have only 4 children?
A: They'd read in the newspaper that one out of every five babies born in the world today is Chinese.
Q: You go to a cockfight. How do you know if a Pole is there?
A: He's the one with a duck.
Q: How do you know if an Italian is there?
A: He bet on the duck.
Q: How do you know if the Mafia is there?
A: The duck wins.
Q: How many poles does it take to kidnap a child?
A: 12. One to kidnap the child and the remaining 11 to write a ransom letter.
Q: How does a Polish Firing Squad stand?
A: In a circle
Q: Why does the new Polish navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see the old Polish navy.
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Shocking New DNA Testing Reveals Dark Secrets
Its the news that has shaken and shocked the world. From leaks of secret CIA and MI6 files it appears that Iraqi former hide and seek champion Saddam Hussain and the fat Italian plumber who never does any work - Mario are in fact siblings.
The doughy faced Mario said at the organised press conference to confirm the claims that his shame and embaressment caused over the fact that Saddam is his brother is due not only to his ruling of tryanny in Iraq, but also due to that he has forgotten his birthday for the last 19 years.
"Not even a bloody card" murmmerd a teary Mario. When asked about hidden weapons, Mario told the gathering press that when they were boys, Saddam would always hide the toys and not tell him where they are.
"He's just a big kid really" he added
DNA Evidence |  |
Fact Of The Week
In 1997, over half a billion transistors were made...
every second |
Pudsey does have 364 days to kill a year, you know
Im sure its just an itch
Or maybe he's checking for lumps
A blind bear with prostate cancer - make a great film wouldn't it?
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